Overheard

"Who's Condoleezza Rice?

"You don't know?"

"No. Do you?"

"Yeah. Um. She's the superintendent over in Compton. Wait. I think."

Do you ever look at your dog and think to yourself, "God she's beautiful," and then she opens her mouth only to display a bit of shit stuck on her teeth? Because your dog insists on eating her shit even though you pay top dollar for yuppie dog food? Do you!

Everything is Just Fine

People don’t often remember [the positives]," said Jim Glassman, senior U.S. economist at JPMorgan Chase.... The cost of LCD flat-panel TVs is... expected to drop $18 this year...The price of women’s shorts decreased from $14.20 to $13.81.

YIPPIE! Sure, there's supposedly a food crisis going on, but whatev! I just saved 18 bucks on a TV I don't need to survive! Apparently we've all been worrying about paying bills while forgetting the very real savings on women's shorts that have come with this stellar economy. Lost your job? Fuck it, buy some new shit on sale! Use all that extra cash you have after buying necessities with increasing price tags boring stuff like food to buy some really awesome shorts!*

*Except you children and men because your clothing is getting more expensive suckas

All Access

My coworker brought her kids over to meet my dog, and because kids will be kids the first thing one of them does is lift up her tail and declare, "now that's called no privacy," while staring right at her doggy vagina. Well put.

Planning Ahead

Because I am certain that the world as we know it is crumbling and soon we, if lucky to even survive, will be forced to live like our savage ancestors, I’ve started an herb garden. When the world falls around me I’ll make mojitos with fresh mint and pretend it couldn’t get better. I also planted some jalapeño seeds, the first of a series of foods I hope to grow. I’m this close to giving up and buying an already growing jalapeño plant, because waiting 7 to 9 weeks for this thing to just get started is proving to be a real bore.

BYOB

I am that girl at the supermarket who brings her own bags. And most of the time, anywhere where I'm going to be buying more shit that I don't need because deep down I'm a consumer whore just like you are, I'm that girl with a canvas bag. I never thought I would have to apologize for this until a bagger said with disgust to another bagger:

"She has her own bags."

I think they rolled their eyes but that could be me being overly self-conscious. I've been known to be that way. Either way I definitely received 'tude for bringing my own bag and (GASP!) helping to bag my organic produce.

I get it though. Their job will be phased out one day when we all bring bags. We're almost there after all.

PSYCH!

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On average I read about two to three books a month, which I'm told is a lot, though I don't think I read nearly enough. This is probably due to that fact that my mind works like this:

Oh my god there are so many good books that have been written and that are being written that oh dear jesus son of our heavenly father how will I ever read them all. And what about all those books I loved and wanted to make out with, the ones that should obviously be read more than once! How will I find time to reread those when there's this mountain of books that is only growing higher! And with the impending end of human life on Earth I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. Save me!!


So as you can see reading two to three books a month is a failure.

The thing about reading like a little school girl is that everyone suddenly wants to tell you what book to read. Most of the time this is encouraged, except on those exceptionally depressing days when I have no will to live because there are too many words and not enough time to read them. On good days, though, please send me your recommendations. On any day, however, don't send me your piece of shit suggestion. Pardon my french but I'm really overwhelmed here and I don't have time for:

"Hey you know what book I read, The Perfect Storm. I read it before the movie came out (cough cough aren't I smart), and it's really good."

This suggestion came from a guy who at first scoffed at the idea that I read. YOU READ?! Which was followed by these weird caveman like grunts, but when I returned with a very confident "Yes I do, and I think you're a moron," he dug up that little gem. That little book that everyone should read or die. I ignored his advice, so he kept telling me over and over, as if to say, Hey! I've read a book OK. Stop Judging me. Because I know you're judging me. And he's right, us book readers judge and mock you, but we also cry ourselves to sleep at night so fair deal.